I’m twenty years old, I’m single, and I’m ugly.

"No."

"Why not?" I asked

"Because," the rather large bouncer said, "you’re ugly, you look stupid, and you don’t have a girl with you."

I tried to protest, bringing my friend Janine up to the bouncer, "But she’s my girlfriend, you said couples could only get in."

He laughed, "She’s not your girlfriend. She’s too cute. She can come in, but you can’t."

Janine, my friend, my good friend, the one who has stood by me the entire time, looked at me and half smiled, half frowned, "Sorry…he said I could get in. This is a tough place to get into, you understand, right?"

"Right," I said.

"You’re such a sweetheart," she said, "don’t ever change."

Fuck that.

Don’t ever change? What the hell was that?

She’s drunk, chalk it up to that.

I watched her go in. Immediately, some blond guy, built to the tilt, put his arm around her. She laughed and threw her head back. She was in. She had forgotten all about me.

Hi.

I’m twenty years old, I’m ugly, I’m single, and the reason for this is that my girlfriend just dumped me.

Not just any girl, the most beautiful girl I had ever encountered. She’s amazing. Not just physically beautiful, but mentally beautiful. When I was down, she would pick me up. When I was too high, she would bring me back to earth. But not in any mean or aggressive sense, but in the sense that she just didn’t want me getting too big of a head.

I stood outside and watched Janine as she sipped on the beer the blond haired guy had just bought her. I needed a cigarette, but I had given them up.

Fuck.

Janine, come back out for me. Read my thoughts, hear what I’m thinking. Come on, Janine, I’m dying here. Don’t you remember? I was dumped recently…I need a friend…you’ve been here for me every night except tonight. Come on, Janine.

Why am I still standing in the line? She didn’t say that she was going to get me in. I looked at the bouncer, "Is there any way that I’m going to get in?"

"Do you have a girl with you?"

"No, she dumped me. And the one I was with went inside without me."

"Well, barring an act of God…then no."

Fuck.

Again.

Why had my life come to this? It seemed like every night was a repeat of this. But how could it be? I had only recently been dumped, and I hadn’t gone out at all before that, and this is only the first night since then that I’ve attempted to lead anything resembling a normal life.

"Do you have a cigarette?"

"No," the bouncer replied.

"Do you know anyone that does?"

"No."

"Are you allowed to have a personality?"

"No."

Jesus…I really shouldn’t talk at all, just wait. I watched as another couple went in ahead of me. They got in with extreme ease. I watched as a group of three girls got in ahead of me too. One was blond, one was a redhead, and one was a brunette. Only one had big tits, and they were all ugly, but they got in, because they were women, and not men. I stood as droves of people moved by me. I was first in line, but I wasn’t going anywhere.

Finally, Janine came down. She had a beer in each hand: one hand held a Corona, the other had a Miller Genuine Draft. How the two had been combined would never be clear to me.

"Justin! It’s a party!"

Yeah…was there any way I was going to get in?

Apparently there was. She stuck her tongue in the ear of the bouncer. She nibbled on his earlobe. I wanted it to be my earlobe. It got the job done though, the rope was moved away, and I was let in.

"No funny business," the bouncer said to me.

"Right," I said, drawing out the ‘i’. Thank you slut, for getting me into this club where I have no chance of finding anyone that will entice me.

"Well?" She said.

"Thanks," I responded.

"You love me, you know it. Come on," and that’s where she stopped, and offered me her cheek. That was the sign. I had to play into the power scheme. She had gotten me in. She was beautiful, she had power. I was ugly, I was young, I had none. I kissed her cheek in a childish manner, furthering our horrible relation.

"Good," she winked at me, "Now behave yourself. I’m trying to get lucky tonight. I have to get back to Johan."

Johan? Who the fuck was Johan? It was bad enough that I was left very recently by one important woman in my life, but should I have my friends ditch me for sex in the same way?

I climbed the stairs in the black light. My white undershirt was sticking out like a beacon against the darkness. Complete faux paus…I could see why they hadn’t let me in at first. I wanted to run out into the cold, but I didn’t. Instead, I went on my fool’s errand and prayed that I would find something, someone, to make the night bearable.

Please, just someone to listen.

Someone to pretend to care.

Someone to help.

It wasn’t going to happen though. I knew it wouldn’t happen. That’s what made the night so grand. My expectations, although appearing to be high, were actually very low. If I made it home alive, it could be considered living up to my standards.

I watched Janine and Johan move off into a corner, dancing drunkenly, kissing when they felt like it. Eventually, if I knew Janine (which I did), the dancing would stop, and it would only be kissing.

I made my way to the bar. I was already a bottle of wine deep. Plus some beer. Plus some gin. Plus some imaginary cigarettes. Those were the best kind, the imaginary ones. You looked cool in your mind’s eye, but you didn’t have to contract cancer.

"Uh, Corona?" I said to the bartender. She didn’t hear me. I repeated it again. Once again, she didn’t hear me. I shouted it this time. I got a disgusted look, and eventually I got a beer. I gave her the three pounds. It was about fucking time. It’d been three months since I’d tasted Corona.

I looked into myself in the mirror behind the bar.

Hi.

I’m twenty, I’m drunk, I’m ugly, and I’m single.

Does anyone want me?

I doubt it.

But I should still check.

Our generation doesn’t quote Shakespeare, we quote movies. I looked around and moved about the floor of the bar as I quoted the work of a generation; Trainspotting (in this case, the film, not the novel).

Dot, dot, dot.

Nothing. I was going nowhere.

All I needed was one woman, one woman to make me feel like I mattered. Not to want to sleep with me, not to try and sleep with me, but one woman, to make me feel like I was worth something. Just something to say, "Hey, Justin, you aren’t going to die alone."

Ok. I knew I wasn’t going to die alone. But when you lose the love of your life, what else are you going to think?

I found Janine. She was kissing Johan in the corner again. A song came on that I liked. I couldn’t recall it if you asked me, but I know that I wanted to dance.

So I did.

I moved, I bounced, I sang along, I screamed. I felt like I was part of the music. I really belonged. The bar loved me. It was screaming for me. The floorboards wept when one of my feet wasn’t touching it. All of the lights from the ceiling longed to touch me. So I danced.

I indulged, I kept moving, letting the bar love me. Letting all of the people look at me.

And they did.

Hi.

I’m dancing. I’m twenty, I’m drunk, and I’m ugly. Does anyone want to love me?

No.

Dot. Dot. Dot.

Someone. Please, someone, look to me. Find something worthwhile in me. Find me attractive. Please want to kiss me. Please don’t get angry when I turn you down. Please understand that I’m still in love with a girl across an ocean.

Keep dancing.

The beat is pumping. It’s a bar, but it still plays music that allows me to dance. And that’s what I needed to do; I needed to move. I needed to forget. I needed to dance and move and sweat until all memories were washed away in the briny fluid of my pores. I needed to hope that it would happen.

I wasn’t disappointed when it didn’t.

All around me I looked, and all around me there were people that were happy.

Men kissing women. Women kissing men. Tongues in the mouths of willing, receptive, happy people. People that were all too eager to give their tongue, their love, back to the person who was holding on to them.

I watched jealously. Had it been that long since I had known something that so closely resembled love?

It couldn’t have been.

Could it?

"No."

"Huh?"

"I can buy my own drinks thank you very much. And don’t ask me again, or my boyfriend might try and have words with you."

I didn’t even remember asking to buy her a drink, but it made sense. She was in my vicinity while I was dancing, and I had wanted to say something, anything, to her.

"Sorry."

She went back to dancing. I watched her move over to a man leaning against the wall. She looked over towards me, started talking, and pointed. It was time I made my way to the bar.

I ordered a water. I needed to calm down.

I looked in the mirror again, my reflection stared back at me. I was expecting more. So was he.

I looked long and hard. For the eternity of a minute.

I wanted to speak out loud to him, but all I could do was think.

My thoughts took over.

Hi.

I’m twenty years old, I’m ugly, I’m single, and I’m hopeless.

Had I tried enough?

No.

Had I gone out at all in my time across the ocean?

No.

Three months and no nightlife?

None.

Wow.

Then in a week, my life was brought shattering down.

Live life. Go out. Have fun. Move on. Forget. Try it.

No.

For yourself.

No.

She did it.

No.

Yes she did.

…

…

Why not?

So on all the advice I recieved, I had gone out, and here I was. In a bar where no one knew me, hating my own reflection. Watching Janine, the girl I had hoped would pull me out of my funk, get ready to be fucked by a Norwegian I could never hope to compare to.

I was paying absurd amounts of money for alcohol I didn’t want, in a place that didn’t want me, all in the name of progress.

I didn’t want Janine anyhow. She was a whore. I wanted my girl. My ex-girl. My sweet little innocent June. But she was never coming back. I looked at my surroundings.

Nothing.

I looked in the mirror.

Even less.

I looked at Janine stick her tongue farther down Johan’s throat.

Disgust.

Was that how June looked with Matthew?

Stop it.

I looked in the mirror one last time, I wanted it to be profound.

"Hi," I said out loud, "I’m twenty years old. I’m ugly, I’m single, I’m depressed, and I don’t have a fucking clue about this world."

Then I left.